You Don't Mean Anything To Me
by Tiberias
Summary: JackxStephen fanfiction - Stephen point of view about what he feels for Jack.


Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18 and they aren't mine.****  
**Thanks - To my wonderful beta **LatinCat**

I came in from the rain thinking about you ... about you and me … about what you mean to me as I'm sitting on the floor with papers around me ... and ... and I can't bring myself to study them ... I can't bring myself to avoid thinking of you, Captain. Oh I must be crazed but, I thought I heard your soft voice whisper to me of another mission to attend ... of another place to see and prizes to win ... instead it's the ghost of you that remains in me when you are not here ... beside me, with me. It's you that fills the air that I'm breathing and I realise that I can't escape from you ... Perhaps I can play my cello all night to stop your deep voice running through my head but it's useless ... Yes, I can't escape because today I opened my eyes to this new world as if I was re-born. Today I found a new side; a new facet of me. Today I found that my immaculate dream can make me happy and sad at the same time ... can make me suffer and enjoy ... all because I found that I love you … you, Jack ... you; my immaculate dream.

What is happening to me?

Where is my old life that I recognise so well?

Eheh ... all is gone away ... Gone are the days when I knew who I was, where I knew my place and my feelings ... and I wonder where is my old friend when I need him the most ... But you see ... you see it's like lying to myself as I'm stepping into a new world ... as I know ... by now, I know that my friend is not my friend anymore, because now I love him ... I love him ... I desire him in what they call a sinful and prohibited way.

Yes, my dear ... I can feel my heart skip a beat when you walk toward me or you call me. And I think about my name ... my name on your precious lips ... 'Stephen'... yes, my name on your lips is pure ecstasy to me ... pure music and I think that nobody ever it in such a beautiful way ... Your low voice that I learned to recognize and to love ... you can transform my name into something that I never heard ... into pure bliss ... And I find myself craving for more; craving to have more attention, more time to share and spend with you Jack ... and it's a shame, yes, it's a shame that we are of the same gender ... it's a shame that this society loves to label each thing that happens ... and it hurts me ... yes, it hurts because I'm a man of science and I can be a real cold calculating person when it comes to it ... but you ... you showed me that there's more ... that I can't label everything that happens … I can't label our love, I can't say that it's dirty or sinful ... No, I can't say that Jack.

And so I fall into sin because, as I lie in my hammock, I can only think about Jack ... and, call me a silly romantic, it is so natural to picture you beside me ... over me ... yes, covering my more slender body with yours ... and, my dear, what pure pleasure it would be for me to be within your strong arms. To be kissed and loved by you ... to have all your attention and devotion ... and your hands would touch me where I need you most. I will let you do whatever you please with my body ... love me; love me, my dear, my joy, because I'm thirsty for your words and touches ... for your true essence and love.

Gone are the days where my work was the sole matter of importance to me ... and now I often find myself fearful when you go into battle ... I fear the enemy' sword, and how can you know how much I look forward for your return ... how I look forward to see you again? Yes, it's not simple to let the man that you love walk into battle ... and ... and yes, Jack, when you finally return to me ... as a winner ... as a champion full of glory but wounded ... full of prizes and crowned with bay ... my fingers tremble while I search for a mortal wound and I pray ... Oh, believe me, I pray for your life ... to have you return safe and sound to me ... Each scar, I would lick each scar that you have ... I would lick from it your memories and who gave it to you. I would just kiss away any sorrow and pain, and my fingers would slide softly along your strong body mapping each inch; each part of your powerful body ... to have you ... to have you over me ... to taste what I crave most ... you, Jack.

Tonight you came and asked me if I wanted to play and, as always, I said yes. Oh, you want to torment me ... to see me in agony dreaming about something that cannot happen ... because what can I say ... what can I ask? Nothing. What I want is forbidden; what I desire is considered improper and wrong – sinful passion of mine for you – and the strange thing is that though I keep repeating to myself that I shouldn't nourish these passions ... well, I can't bring to stop myself wanting you.

I can't resist you ... no, I can't; and also if I try to remain calm and cold ... heh … inside me I burn with this powerful desire to have you; to have your attention ... your love ... more than me being simply your friend. And so I sit with you – so near to me, but distant at the same time – and I squirm and shiver, feeling the hard wood of my cello between my open thighs ... I close my eyes briefly as I absently caress the hard surface of my cello, and there's this sweet scent in the air that I recognize because I have learned to live with it ... and I learned to crave for a taste; a taste of your skin, of your lips that now are wet with the rich red wine that you are slowly sipping ... red, like the colour of my passion for you ... and it's like you want to provoke me with games that smell of sex ... so erotic to think of you playing with me the fine art of Conquest ... and I never wanted to be considered a prize ... never I wanted to be the prey ... I consider myself too much of a fox ... unobtainable to others, too fast and brilliant to be their prey ... shame that it's now as I break down my barriers and I look up toward you; craving to be conquered, as you know so well to do ... shame that you can turn me like a fool and I desire more ... desire to be yours. I always thought that living with myself could be enough. You came and showed me that I needed something more ... I needed you by my side.

You should see how beautifully you are lost in the music ... lost in your own thoughts while playing your violin, caressing it with your hands and – Please, Jack, stop it! Stop to look at me with those blue eyes smiling softly whilst you are still playing, and I find myself lowering my gaze because you have the power to make me feel exposed ... naked ... and I fear that one day ... one day you will read my love for you ... my feelings. I fear that one day I will not be enough strong to hide my love for you, Jack ... and that day you will see me naked ... you will know that I want you in a way that I shouldn't desire.

You call to me, startling me from my thoughts and I raise my gaze toward you ... and softly you ask what I was thinking about, because I had stopped playing with you ... heh, I wonder when it happened? ... but my mouth is dry and I babble some stupid excuse about the cabin being too warm ... But it's true; in the end it's true because the air is warm, too warm for me and I'm suffocating as if there's no air and ... and I don't know why, but your cabin suddenly seems too small for the two of us and I find myself wanting to stand up and run away; but my legs keep my cello in a firm hold ... I can't move and you keep fixing me with that look … as if I'm your prey; unable to escape ... then you offer to me your glass of wine, smiling softly ... and then your voice resonates in my mind, waking me; "Tell me, Stephen; who do you need? Who do you love?"

The rim of your glass remains pressed against my bottom lip ... smooth and cold surface, but it's like I'm kissing what you have kissed ... I'm sharing what you just had ... and the rich and fruity taste of this wine is making me dizzy; or maybe it's you being so close to me? Your strong scent and your bright blue eyes fixed upon me ... and your silly question ... Oh passion of my life, I always loved you since our first meeting … how can you ask me who I love most … how can you ask me who I need most when you are here with me ... and, Jack, do you really want to know who you are to me? You are my touchstone ... my beliefs ... you are something lost and found ... you are what I was missing ... But all these words remain inside me and I drop my cello, as if suddenly I'm made of water and for a long moment you just stare at me and I'm bare ... and I just want to find an answer to your question but as my cello is now on the floor ... your glass of wine is still between my hands ... My beloved, it's not easy to say that, yes, I love you.

You sigh and go to kneel in front of me while searching into my eyes for a reaction, for a word … but I remain silent as I stare at your hands now holding mine; such a tender gesture that you often use with me.

"Please, Stephen my dear, excuse me as usually I have a big mouth and I talk too much. I will not ask you any more questions." You excuse yourself and then ... and then you wait for an answer but as I chew my lips you lift my chin with your finger ... leaning forward ... making me shiver and I close my eyes ... you lean forward and whisper into my ear. "But tell me, Stephen, how can a man be so delicate and beautiful as you?"

I take in a breath, opening my eyes to stare at you ... and you are there still in front of me. "My dear, I don't want to see your eyes darkened like the blue of the ocean in a storm," you whisper softly; and everything is silent. It's like ... it's like the world has stopped to stare at us ... to see what you are going to do, where you are leading me. You pass a finger over my lips tracing the contours and ... and maybe it's the wine, maybe I can blame my urgent needs and craving, but I slightly open my lips – my eyes never leaving yours as I slowly lick your finger ... tasting you, and you sigh as your large hand goes to rest on my thighs ... sliding then between them ... and my eyes flutter shut.

"There was a life, a time that I recognized well but now it is gone. Gone are the days when I knew all about myself and my life… and I can't escape from you. You haunt me in a way that makes me blush," I softly say to you, not daring to open my eyes; and it's your time to remain in silence as your hand caresses my inner thigh.

"There was a time where I loved my wife – and I do, oh I do – but not in the same way as I do now. I won't cry for yesterday, because there's a new world somewhere and I have only to find it," I continue. "But then if I look into your eyes I understand that you are my new world. You are the quiet after the storm, the peace after the war. You mean so much to me. My old friend Jack died some time ago, and now he has been replaced with someone new ... someone that means more to me".

"And so let me conquer you my dear." You smile, licking your lips.

"I'm not a prize," I reply, finally opening my eyes and lowering my gaze toward you. "And we are two men".

You smile and I feel your big rough hand caressing my thigh. "Oh Stephen, believe me when I say that you are more than a mere prize; you are the king of prizes, unreachable and, my dear, sometimes rules can be broken."

"But what about the other sailors and-" A finger is pressed to my lips to quiet me.

"Shhh… Please, my dear; do not torment yourself," you whisper, leaning towards me and I can feel your hot breath caressing my lips and I close my eyes, indulging in this sin … Oh, how can this moment be a sin? How can this gesture be a sin?

Your lips are rough and salty from the sea, but at the same time sweet from the wine that you were sipping before ... Your tongue fills my mouth with new tastes as your stubble scratches my chin ... and then ... then you lean foward between my spread thighs and I tense when your head goes between them, starting to kiss softly my thighs and stomach and my head rolls back as your large, rough hands cup my ass ... and I moan as you then start to undress me.

"Don't hold back, my love… Please, I've waited too long for this day," you breath against my lips ... damp and warm air as I boldly capture your mouth for another kiss because I can't resist anymore ... I can't deny what I truly feel for you.

And then you just easily lift me up, carrying me toward your hammock and I let myself sink into your strong embrace. "The most beautiful creature that I ever saw," you say, kissing me and you are hungry for me as your fervent hands never stop touching me ... and yes, I can be your prey ... I can be your lover and I shush each voice that is whispering to me that we shouldn't linger in such activities ... that we shouldn't just lie here, naked with you over me ... between my slightly spread legs and ready to make love.

And you grin at me like a wolf that has pinned his prey. "Now kiss me again ... and again, because there's no such pleasure as to have you between my arms," you demand, breathless while feasting on my naked body.

Your firm hands on me make me moan and beg for more, and these feelings are new to me; these desires ... these needs of mine that I have to satisfy ... And you are intoxicating ... you are something that I learned to know but at the same time ... yes, my dear, at the same time you are also an unknown quantity and I can only let you take what you want because you are my master, my captain, my new lover and I crave your attentions; for this new attention, and I know that I will not be able to forget this night. No cure for me; no doctor will be able to cure me of this illness, because now Jack is my madness and my normality, and this love is not something abstract to me ... Because your world is my world, your words are now my words ... because I want you ... and let me say, Jack ... let me say that whatever you believe I want ... I want to believe first that it is the truth ... that what you are saying for me will be the truth ... and it's enough ... yes, it's enough and I couldn't ask for more ... to have more because you are standing over me, in me and yes, it's enough.

You try to muffle your moans inside my shoulder joint as you push into me, hips not keeping in rhythm as you increase your speed ... as you sink further into my flesh ... and my trembling fingers are entwined in your blond hair, and my mouth is open in a silent cry as you keep driving into me again and again ... and what at first hurt is now a blur of mixed emotions. Pain and pleasure that blend and fuse together ... it's sublime, and I know that tomorrow I will wear your marks as your fingers press hard into my hips to steady yourself as you increase your speed.

Coming ... Well, coming is like letting yourself go ... it's something that you can't describe ... because ... because honestly it's like you are elesewhere ... and my fingers dig into your shoulders as I throw back my head exposing my throat to your starved mouth ... And you whisper something that can mean many things, but which I can't understand as I ride the last fragments of my orgasm. And then, then as I open my eyes I find myself snuggled next to you and you are caressing me gently whilst talking softly. Our hammock is swinging slowly, and the cabin is dark and silent I can only hear wet rumors of this ... your ship sliding easily through the ocean.

"What?" I ask drowsily, as you shift against me.

"Nothing my dear," you reply, covering us with a blanket.

"I love you," I say, making you smile warmly.

"And I can't desire more then to have you right here, right now. I love you, Steve…" You then kiss me.

Yes, there was a life that I recognized well, but now it is gone ... I won't cry for yesterday because there's a new world that somehow I had to find … and I found it. I found it on a ship, far away in the middle of the ocean ... It's my old friend ... my captain ... my lover.

6


End file.
